The Groder Recipe Book Part I

Right little mister, so you want to make something a little strange? this sure beats mixing tea with cream soda, belieeeeve me. I tried that and it made me ill, very.
Prepare to feel and taste the organic beauty of my Groder.

1) Cokie Bitlies

The first one is rather simple.
You get a single Coca Cola can and some chicken from your local super market.
Next, get a bowl and a plastic shpoon so that you can stir the mutha out of this lunch.
Put the chicken any way you like into the bowl, put some butter on it, then four tea-spoons of sugar, finally you must pour in the entire can of Coke.
Can you smell it?
Put it in the oven at Gas Mark 7 for roughly 35 minutes, once that is done you must cover it with nine tenths bed sheet and two thirds magazine cut-out, place it in the fridge over night.

In the morning you should be graced with a rather fermented Groder that actually goes pretty well with a quarter slice of an Olive.
There was a well documented story of how the Cokie Bitlies was made by this Air Force Major one day, she added a very special ingredient that I cannot unfortunately divulge due to it being classified (she added a pot of sh£^) but let's just say it tasted magnificent.

Oh dear, how crude of me, that was certainly quite crude <3

2) Groder Ham

Sounds a bit simple perhaps? Ham, Groder?
You will need to gather a cup of spit from 6 seperate individuals, though animal spit can work as long as it's not venomous.
Get some Ham, not really sure if it matters which kind, just get a fair amount of it, put it on a rough surface, let's say... the garden floor.
Empty the spit onto the Ham, step on it with a wellington boot, sucker muck an ostrich moot, monkey maybe swinging toot.
If you don't know how to do the last two parts, go back to school you un-cultured fewl.
The Ham should be quite Tender now, pick it up with a fork to avoid any possible mixture of human sweat. YOU MUST NOT MIX HUMAN SWEAT OR THE HAM WILL EXPLODE!
Place it gently onto a plate, put the plate into a Microwave Oven, heat it on the highest setting for about 45 minutes. Light up a tea-spliff and relax.

The smell should be quite strong when it is done, then I normally pour some honey on top with a bit of jam to finalize the Groder Ham.

I remember once when my friend Bobby Davros made this, well... let's not go there as he used a particular type of ham that would probably get him arrested.
It's quite simply the best kind of Ham.

If you are very good, I will post more food making information tomorrow.