A Shred of Snaps

"What do poo monsters eat?" questioned the mighty Toe
"Perfectly healthy sprouts" replied Goff
"Okay!" shouted Toe

There was a brief silence...

"You mean sprouts? as in the horrible cabbage things? or like the lil' tiny plant things that are like 8----?" simply said Toe
Goff did an enlarged eye look.
"They now eat flowers" he added
Toe frowned for no reason.
"Tiny brick type anthropole-dancers with a shred of snaps inches from the sea. How shameful for Dick Treepin, he always came to that red tree" Goff blurted into the air
"Yeah uh... flowers are easier to draw" replied Toe
"...and muttered the words, eight times and I'm a cake snatcher" said Goff, after interrupting Toe's hinted interest in flower art
"He would say it at the very least, twenty times" said Goff
"Okay" slurred Toe

There was a brief silence...

"George was a planter" stated Goff with a finger
"Did you know why?" he asked
"No" replied Toe during a shaking of the head kind of movement
"Because Marcus Borgenieallus threw seeds at his face" said Goff
"I must sleep, the antlers are failing, recharge is dormant" ended Goff

The end.

Sunray on yo face biatch!

Please allow my to elaborate on this rather distasteful title.

Marc knows these deaf guys in Pretend America that like to spend most of their time on AIM, chatting away whilst being completely oblivious to the rest of the world.

That was probably an understatement, but you too will be equally as flabbergasted once you read the chat log I saved from talking to this fella.

In the chat, I pretended to be a 19 year old female called Jeny Booner, nick: jeebusorion, in an attempt to win him over. The poor soul had no idea what was coming.

Here be the linkage -> The AIM Adventures of Jeny Booner

ChaCha BlaBla

Right, so Richard told me about this site called chacha.com
Apparently you can ask live guides any kind of question and they will find out the answer for you.
Here is my enquiry as to the thickness of human female poo:

Status: Connecting ...
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Ring: ...
Status: Connected to guide: Stephen(16829)
Stephen(16829): Welcome to ChaCha!
Stephen(16829): Hello
Stephen(16829): Please be more specific as to what you're looking for on this topic.
You: is it tru that male faeces are thicker tha female faeces? cuz i was told this is tru?/
Stephen(16829): Let me check.
You: my m8 frank sed it
You: i thik he is lyaing tho
You: lying
You: dunt no
Stephen(16829): Me neither, but I'm checking
You: sumthin to do with fiber
You: is that like fiber optic cabel
You: or
You: dunt confusing
Stephen(16829): I'm not having any luck finding the answer to this one. Would you like to be transfered to a different guide?
You: oh
You: u r google?
Stephen(16829): What do you mean?
You: this is real peoplee?
You: i am saying to
Stephen(16829): I am real. Is that what you are asking?
You: ye
You: yeah
Stephen(16829): Okay. I'm real
You: whay is der number after your name
Stephen(16829): My guide number
You: kewl
Stephen(16829): I still haven't found the answer to your question. Would you like to be transfered?
You: noppp
Stephen(16829): Is there anything else on this topic I can find for you today?
You: thank tho
Stephen(16829): You're welcome.

The Groder Recipe Book Part I

Right little mister, so you want to make something a little strange? this sure beats mixing tea with cream soda, belieeeeve me. I tried that and it made me ill, very.
Prepare to feel and taste the organic beauty of my Groder.

1) Cokie Bitlies

The first one is rather simple.
You get a single Coca Cola can and some chicken from your local super market.
Next, get a bowl and a plastic shpoon so that you can stir the mutha out of this lunch.
Put the chicken any way you like into the bowl, put some butter on it, then four tea-spoons of sugar, finally you must pour in the entire can of Coke.
Can you smell it?
Put it in the oven at Gas Mark 7 for roughly 35 minutes, once that is done you must cover it with nine tenths bed sheet and two thirds magazine cut-out, place it in the fridge over night.

In the morning you should be graced with a rather fermented Groder that actually goes pretty well with a quarter slice of an Olive.
There was a well documented story of how the Cokie Bitlies was made by this Air Force Major one day, she added a very special ingredient that I cannot unfortunately divulge due to it being classified (she added a pot of sh£^) but let's just say it tasted magnificent.

Oh dear, how crude of me, that was certainly quite crude <3

2) Groder Ham

Sounds a bit simple perhaps? Ham, Groder?
You will need to gather a cup of spit from 6 seperate individuals, though animal spit can work as long as it's not venomous.
Get some Ham, not really sure if it matters which kind, just get a fair amount of it, put it on a rough surface, let's say... the garden floor.
Empty the spit onto the Ham, step on it with a wellington boot, sucker muck an ostrich moot, monkey maybe swinging toot.
If you don't know how to do the last two parts, go back to school you un-cultured fewl.
The Ham should be quite Tender now, pick it up with a fork to avoid any possible mixture of human sweat. YOU MUST NOT MIX HUMAN SWEAT OR THE HAM WILL EXPLODE!
Place it gently onto a plate, put the plate into a Microwave Oven, heat it on the highest setting for about 45 minutes. Light up a tea-spliff and relax.

The smell should be quite strong when it is done, then I normally pour some honey on top with a bit of jam to finalize the Groder Ham.

I remember once when my friend Bobby Davros made this, well... let's not go there as he used a particular type of ham that would probably get him arrested.
It's quite simply the best kind of Ham.

If you are very good, I will post more food making information tomorrow.

Flash Frack

MOSFATS
CALLING
"I DIDN'T SEE HER BOOBS"
MELONTIME.

STAFFMOSS
BAILING
"I COULDN'T PEEL THEIR BOOTS"
PLENTY FINE.

HE HAD A SCARF ON HIS HEAD
HE TOOK THE SCARF OFF
I COULDN'T SEE HIS HEAD
GRAMMER KNITS PORTA-FOOL

...and there's some kind of picture of a face made out of arranged diamonds and stuff.

Inside joke, seriously.

(FireFly Theme) Hwom Bombay

Take my love, take my land
Bid om bah, bid dim blah
Take me where I cannot stand
Hwom bombleh hwom bidibombay
I don't care, I'm still free
Mid don bare, septim tree
You can't take the sky from me
Moo dan hat ma crimpled sea
Take me out to the black
feedon trip jimbob flip
Tell them I ain't comin' back
clipon fan edwindon' sack
Burn the land and boil the sea
Blid om bah rodobom de gla
You can't take the sky from me
Hwom bombay hwom bidibombay
There's no place I can be
Hwim dim blip hwah bom blah
Since I found Serenity
Hwom bomflay ma sickon me
But you can't take the sky from me...
Bim moo dan hat ma crimpled sea...

Phuzzbot Review

I took the time last night to review someone's music.
It's all a bit Phuzzily insane I must say.

Here comes the mothership, I feel like I’m in space somewhere, possibly about to dock with something. Sexy.

Rustic guitar kicks in, yeah, now I'm in the space station downing a couple of shots of whatever it is.

I sit down and can't help but notice this strange looking squid-like female alien looking at me, yuck. Or was it the drinking warping my vision.

Everything is starting to get old in a retro-effects BBC kind of way, my head feels light, my vision is blurring and my feet feel like they're growing into the chair, it feels like I’m melting whilst suffering from an asthma attack.

(Make The Honey kicks in)
Woah all of a sudden I’m in Tokyo down an ally way behind the door of some bar with some shit hot beat playing.

Ok, so I had that drink, had some squid checking me out and I end up back on earth in Tokyo? No wait. I’ve just teleported away.

(Atoms and Galaxy Chocolate kicks in)
I had no idea I could breathe in space, this is actually quite nifty. I’m gonna attempt to do space-dancing quite literally. Oh yeah.
That tired me out.

(Seldon Crisis kicks in)
I’m wearing a black suit, feeling a bit cunning, walking slowly into a room where I am needed, for some reason or another, with a surgical knife in my hand, oh right. It’s that squid chick on an operating table. This should be interesting.
Hang on, I shouldn't be dancing whilst doing this, but that bass line and rhythm is so damn good.

What has come over me?

(Slippery kicks in)
I reach for my portable mirror.
All of a sudden I’m a duck, what the shit. A cool duck walking down the street with an open field to the left.
An open field with a playground with other ducks playing duck games.
Then I trip over and bang my head. Gay.

(Roofs kicks in)
I slowly wake up and get my senses in check. I’m in a shady hotel and it appears that the odd female squid from the space station and the operating table before... is nursing me back to health. I get a quick glimpse of the outside world from a small window; it seems to be raining upwards. Wow I feel better only after a minute or two.

(Acrobatics kicks in)
It feels like I’m splitting in two, my mind is splitting away from the slippery roofs, and those honey making bees.
It feels kinda nice, like a hand is reaching out to pull me from a self-created fantasy world that wasn't really so bad, just incredibly random.

Oh wait, I can hear her.

Slowly coming back.

I’m awake.

Bungalow Joe

I was playing pool up until I was rudely interrupted.



I was told by a homeless man holding a plastic cup observing my actions, that if they had stayed longer after my short but sweet reply, and if I had started talking the same kind of crap that I talk on this blog, guest857 may have actually decided to take his/her own life.

Gonad Moribund.

Pantoclad Frog (Zimedy Zim Part III)

I once found a small sub-sized-pantoclad frog, so I used my hands to pick it up and proceeded to teach it some information from this rather large book I found beside the pond. Now with its enlarged brain, the information you could say perhaps almost exploded its brain. Maybe it could end up being a presidential candidate, but because the frog is so small sub-sized-pantoclad and easily squashed, he will have to go back to hopping and croaking.

Due to a sudden overwhelming amount of kindness that hit me like a speedboat into a house, I decided to translate it for the French.

I a par le passé trouvé une petite grenouille secondaire-classée-pantoclad, ainsi j'ai utilisé mes mains pour la prendre et ai procédé lui enseigner de l'information de ce livre plutôt grand que j'ai trouvé près de l'étang. Maintenant avec son cerveau agrandi, l'information que vous pourriez dire qu'a peut-être presque éclaté son cerveau. Peut-être il pourrait finir vers le haut d'être un candidat présidentiel, mais parce que la grenouille est ainsi petit secondaire-classé-pantoclad et facilement pressée, il devra aller de nouveau au houblonnage et à coasser.

Due to a sudden interest in wanting to know how accurate this software based translation was, I decided to translate it back into English.

I in the past found a small frog secondary-classified-pantoclad, thus I used my hands to take it and proceeded to teach information of this rather large book to him which I found close to the pond. Maintaining with its increased brain, the information which you could say that perhaps almost made its brain burst. Perhaps it could upwards finish being a presidential candidate, but because the frog is a small secondary-classified-pantoclad and easily pressed, it will have to revert to hopping and croaking.

Robust Invader Robots (Zimedy Zim Part II)

I found a robust robot in a robbers robbing sack and pilfered his mechanical steal to create the first and program in my destructive force of robust invader robots.
Robotically speaking, the utterance of a synthesized word to destroy all humans will put fear in the eye nodules of many thousands, as the robust robots robotically advance with their strangely shaped silvery hands grabbing all the gargantua great granny purses.

Frantically Fantastic (Zimedy Zim Part I)

Frantic donkeys belong on a frantic farm, with a frantic farmer on a frantic tractor, frantically farming his farm on a frantically fast formidable tractor.
He will then frantically serve up a frantic dinner from his frantically fantastically cut-up and cooked donkey meat, which will then be frantically downed with a fantabidozy frantic fork by himself in a frantic fashion after which he would frantically experience heart-burn and frantically require some fulfilling Fanta juice.

Modal Way

I chew 'cos it's chewgum
It was a grated cheese moment
There's no joint in shifting
Losing arms on my bone
Do you know that
I was placed tearing and hurled
Could they bend me
In three ways or more

It's the only tray of eating without mess
It's the only tray of eating without mess

Break a bassoon
From Jim the gun mechanic
My grain is not migraine
But in kneed with some doe
Bald head without pledge
And we clean it with a duster
There's no point in spitting
Going crazy on the phone

It's the only tray of eating without mess
It's the only tray of eating without mess

This is the modal way
Of numbers like 3, 3, 9
And choosing the right value
And there is really only one
Is that what we used to choose
This is the modal way

Think Smell Tent Tackle

"Le gonad" says Goff
"wtf you doing awake crazy" replied Toe
"Eating air, consuming it as it contains wake energy" said Goff whilst breathing in heavily
"Well never thought of it like that" said Toe
"True" I further most willingly stated

There was a brief silence...

"I have a third lung especially for this ability, but it has been severely impaired from eating a rather bad pear one day" Goff splatted out
Toe started to cry.
"Those pears are nothing but trouble" replied Toe
"Our eyes could be like crocodile eyes, but they're not because of something" said Goff whilst pointing at his right eye vigilantly
"Aye, good point" replied the good Toe
I then proceeded to elaborate "Professor uncle said to me that aunty had those eyes, but she was always a silhouette. My hand went through her head like a portal to the world of crocodile eyes"
Moosey nodded uncontrollably, but was not chained appropriately, therefore something.
"m" enlightened Toe
"Was it blown up? or was it a doll? but could it be a doll from which was blown up, or a blow up doll?" said Goff
"idk" replied Toe, shrugging his shoulders in the process.
I tapped Toe on the nail and told him everything was ok.
"But my family guy needs to download" shouted The Toe
"Green" replied Goff
Toe lifted his nail a bit and told me that he had no idea what a colour was, but that was to be expected, a Toe has no eyes!
"I made several, for animals only however, mostly four legged ones" said Goff abruptly
Toe appeared interested.
"Some of them are, well ones I have been do" said Toe
"Putrid as the moon upon a rusty transparent glass surface?" replied Goff
"Yeah, that" said Toe whilst trying move Toe in a nodding fashion.
"Ahh hmm, there can only be won or too, sometimes free, but mostly captivated" stated Goff
"Ice" said Toe with a shiver of the nail
"Nirboner" said Goff with a verbose projection of the words
"EH? sleepy" groaned the excellent Toe
"Slithery" replied Goff

There was a brief silence...

"Fuck, I thought I said that. I was like woah... I must be tired, but it was yours" said Toe
"Nope, you're fired and seriously" shouted Goff quite angrily
"I'm seriously you guys" said Toe in a rather confused manner
"Look, you have been clay pigeoned.." replied Goff but was interrupted by Toe
"Again?" interrupted Toe
"..with a rather fetching shotgun" said Goff

The end. (there is more but I cba)



P.S. Thx Marc :P

Train Histoire

It's sits the goat.

"It's its!" said the man with a mental problem.
Bond street nicely whilst drinking Tango a.k.a. tounge
but really he meant James Bond,
Ten.

Rain in a level of parking Newbury
before the gloat grows old
not on a farm because of the el.
without an el would mean a goat grows old.

Since then a goat would float
but only after eating hey
not in a conversation because of the eee
without an eee but with an aye would mean a goat could eat hay.

and at the end would it still float
or would it eat too much and bloat?
coat mote nine times after eleventeen oh clock.

Cut up Fred.

I might be cut up like an engine
Silly white cord leads to sound external
What said the speaker?
I'd put it on pause but I'd rather know what it would want if I reply.

or maybe if I tried I'd end up like it's its the goat or was it it's its sits or it's sits?
Change the track to number tree I'd find a train would change whilst still intact
It would change direction and flee from where it goes and where it needs to toe.

Nail it hammer and cork it's thread
Indeed I'd rather lay it down in bed
but I could paint it red instead and find that I would smudge my head
Cradle.

End,

Gonad Moribund.